Reflecting on my internalised misogyny thanks to a trend on the internet

I wouldn’t exactly call myself a “social media afficionado”. That’s probably mostly due to my age. Instead of any Tiktok dances (wtf?) I appreciate dad-jokes, and sometimes I even wish for the technological age back when polyphonic ringtones and snake II were the latest craze. In some ways I’m interested in what’s currently the focus of attention of the upcoming generation. On the other hand, most of the events on social media are so far outside my cognitively tangible range that my inner fossil calcifies event more upon contact with them.

Nevertheless, sometimes a current trend does indeed come to my attention (with a considerable time delay). In this case, it has been the social media trend of mocking “pick me girls”.

You may be thinking “you’re a little late on this grandma, but sure, be the thousandth person jumping on this bandwagon”, and you are totally right, I am late to the party and there is already a myriad of essays analyzing that topic. Also, chances are you find your way around pretty comfortable in the abyss of social media, therefore having a much more in-depth knowledge of what I’m about to discuss.

But if you’re thinking right now „what the hell is she even talking about”, then congratulation’s, you and I have a lot in common and should probably be friends. I am not in the slightest an expert on this topic. Today, my primary intention is not to deeply elaborate on this online socio-cultural phenomenon per se, but to reflect on my own past behavior and thinking based on my confrontation with the issue.

For complete internet cave dwellers (again, want to be friends?), I’m happy to start with what is probably the sketchiest and poorly researched definition of the “pick me girl” trend: a pick me girl is, according to the ever so trustworthy urban dictionary, “a girl who seeks male validation by indirectly or directly insinuating that she is “not like the other girls.” Statements such as “I get along much better with guys,” “guys are funnier and not so complicated,” “I can’t get along with these kind of chicks,” or “I’m fun to hang out with and not a drama queen, so you should pick me” are associated with this as an example. As of late, a lot of memes, tweets and Tiktok videos emerged, exposing and mocking the pick me girl archetype. For those who want to take a closer look: a quick Google-search will do the trick, and trust me, you will be able to deep dive into this topic in a matter of seconds, if you want to.

Certainly, the contact with this internet phenomenon has forced me to look at my own thought patterns. And I must confess that I recognized my teenage self in almost all of the statements listed above. Moreover, I was shocked that I wasn’t realizing at the time how much these views were based on internalized misogyny.

For instance, girls who didn’t participate in sports as rigorously as I did were automatically less cool in my eyes. If their appearance then too did not correspond to my ideas, I actually had no interest in them. I felt superior to other girls simply because my hobbies and interests had more stereotypically masculine attributes than theirs. The funny thing is, I was so critical of other girls, but looking at photos of myself at 17 now, I just can’t help but thinking “my mom’s confidence that this phase would pass eventually must have been of infinite proportions.”

As I write this, I remember another area where I recognize my rejection of other girls growing up: In sports. In my handball playing days, girls on other teams were not opponents; they were often the embodied enemy. Within game time, this mentality is understandable and possibly necessary, but even off the field, the “girls support girls” spirit didn’t really emerge.

Now you may already recognize a theme here: Non-sporty girls were looked down upon, and girls on the opposing team were the bogeymen. What remained was a handful of friends with whom I was closely allied against the rest. In conclusion, this reminiscence does not exactly draw an image bursting with feminism. So, what I personally realized by digging into my past is that no matter how much I feel like a feminist now, I didn’t necessarily grow up with these values and I am truly not free of toxic thought patterns.

In my social environment, I currently get the impression that competitive thinking among women is no longer as extreme as it used to be when I was a teenager. However, I can’t judge whether this is exclusively due to my age or my current social bubble. Retrospectively observed, I would claim that the progressive elimination of this attitude towards other women correlates with getting to a certain age. Accordingly, I think the insecurity one feels as a teenager provides a perfect breeding ground for rivalry among girls. Add to that the hormonal roller coaster ride, and you just get sick really fast. And then it feels like the only cure for that nausea is the attention of the male environment (I’ll skip starting on compulsive heterosexuality here, that might be a topic for the future).

In addition to the identity problems that being a teenager alone creates, it can be argued that internalized misogyny is a simple protective mechanism. In a world where women are still not equal to men and are discriminated against in many areas, we as victims try to escape systematic discrimination by consciously placing ourselves above other women, because it hurts less to be an actor in the patriarchal system than to be its victim. I find this explanation to be thoroughly coherent. If I intentionally try to distinguish myself from my female fellows (“I’m not like other girls”), then I can’t be affected by the discrimination that is inflicted on them. As an adolescent woman, I was not aware that this would simply make me another piece of the puzzle instead of solving the problem.

Returning to the trend of mocking the “pick me girl”, I find it extremely problematic. The irony is that the motive behind it is to criticize and condemn women for their behavior. By harshly judging the actions of the “pick-me girl”, further division amongst women is promoted.

Thus, in its essence, the “pick me girl” trend is just another destructive tool to judge women. However, just being exposed to it has triggered me to critically question my own past behavior. More importantly, I’d like to think it has made me more observant of my own thoughts about judging other women from now on, and to recognize misogynistic patterns in order to nip them in the bud. When I make a negative judgment about a female person, I need to ask myself where this strong rejection comes from and what the real motives are for my emotional reaction.

I am not postulating that women should unconditionally support other women. Different principles, priorities and preferences are reflected in different behaviors and appearances, and it’s absolutely okay if we don’t agree with each other everywhere. Regardless, I am in any case convinced that another woman’s success can never diminish mine, but at the most inspire me to claim my place in the patriarchy as well. The moment we women grant each other this success, we no longer have to outdo each other. Yes, we can have a competitive streak and no, we don’t have to beat each other up about it.

On that note, you do you, boo boo. Embrace feminism!